Insomniac Theater

Have you ever not been able to sleep? It’s awful. There have only been two times in my life that I have been unable to sleep for an extended period of time, and both were asthma related. My latest bout started last week after playing two hours of basketball with my cousins. We had a few good, friendly games and afterwards I started to realize I was having some difficulty breathing. About this same time, my seasonal allergies started to kick in and for the second year in a row, it triggered my asthma. So I guess I’m not sure which one is fully responsible, but I do know that I pretty much don’t sleep anymore.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m trying. I’ve tried propping myself up so that my breathing is less restricted. I made a steam room out of my bathroom in the hopes it would open up my breathing and let me sleep, but the relief is always extremely short lived. I’ve experimented with a several different medicines, the latest of which is a steroidal inhaler that hopefully is not causing eventual kidney failure and the gradual shrinkage of my very favorite area. I’ve taken 3 different inhalers, cough medicine, allergy medicine, cough drops and I’ve even tried some light recreational drugs such as weed and E. Nothing helps. (Let’s be honest for a second: they all help. They just don’t help me sleep!)

So it is now very early on Friday morning, and I have not slept more than two hours in a day since last Friday. How has this impacted my life, you ask? Thanks for asking, and I’d love to tell you. First of all, it has given me about six more hours in my day with which I can catch up on all of the tasks I’ve been putting off during my normally frantic schedule. These include watching reruns of last year’s homerun derby, the first two games of the Major League Baseball season in their entirety despite airing at the unholy hour of 4 am, watching the season premiere of the Hills at least four times, reruns of every episode of Rock of Love II with Brett Micheals, the Gauntlet III (which tragically ended last week, only to gloriously come back into my life this week with a reunion special. This joy was short lived, however, and now I am left only with emptiness, wishing that Evan, Kenny, CT, Jillian, and Frank would so mercifully fill this void that has been created. As of 7 am, March 28, they have yet to respond to my desperate pleas.), America’s Best Dance Crew, and anything that could have possibly happened in the world of sports.

What else have I been able to accomplish? Well, you know how you’ve always wanted to go through the day with a mental fog surrounding your every thought, making rational, well reasoned decisions an impossible task? Definitely checked that one off my list. Did you ever see Half Baked with Dave Chapelle? It’s kind of like that, only without the euphoric side effects.

This has actually been quite the blessing. I wasn’t sure when I was going to find the time to adequately stress about not knowing what I want to do with my life, wonder where I want to live next year, worry about finances and feel lovesick, but miraculously this gives me the necessary time to accomplish these tasks. Thank heavens that I’m able to pack this delightful smorgasbord of thoughts into my otherwise sleep filled mind.

Not that all of this hasn’t been wonderful, but I’ve decided that there is a way I can better use this time. From this point on, I will be selling the time that I would have otherwise been sleeping, from 2 am to 9 am. Seriously. Tell your friends. My services can be used doing homework, cleaning, filming an E true Hollywood story of your life, writing love poetry, taking copious notes on any television programs that you don’t have time to watch, running errands, fixing things, making a mess of your life or the lives of those around you, vicarious exercise, or even sexual favors. All to the highest bidder. So for anyone who feels too busy to accomplish everything they need to get done, I am your man. Just be sure to specify the day and hours you are bidding on and what services you would like performed, and you will be notified via email should you happen to win the bid. I promise this will change your life, so don’t let such a wonderful opportunity pass you by. Only one catch: no checks or credit cards. In the words of the always poignant Randy Moss, it’s gotta be “straight cash homey.”

On second thought, you should probably sleep on it.

Romeo, meet Juliet's husband

What is it that makes a good love story? Ask 50 people this question and you’ll probably get at least that many answers. I think many people would point to the likeability of the characters or even the actors, but not me. I think this can add to or be a deterrent to liking the story, but doesn’t in and of itself make a good love story. I can think of many movies that had entirely likeable characters that were not at all excellent, and vice versa.

One of my favorite movies is the British film Love Actually. In many ways, this is just a feel good movie. Several couples are followed and love is portrayed from many different perspectives: young love, forbidden love, lost love, interracial love and even lust are shown as some of the many forms that love takes. Yet, despite all of these interesting subplots, my favorite storyline might just be one of the saddest; that of a man who is in love with his best friend’s wife. He realizes that this love will never provide the storybook ending he has hoped for, but his love isn’t diminished and he continues to love her despite her permanent unavailability.

To me, the most interesting love story that can ever be told is one of unrequited love. I think too many times we equate happy with good when it comes to movies and books. There is so much beauty to be found in falling short of perfection, and heaven forbid, not having a happy ending. Not only is unrequited love the most interesting, but I also believe it embodies love in its truest form. There are no ulterior motives when it comes to a love that is not returned. Why would anyone subject themselves to that agonizing experience if their love was anything but pure? The guaranteed torment that accompanies such a love authenticates it beyond reproof.

There are two examples of such a love that I’ve been thinking about lately. The first is Severus Snape’s love for Lilly Potter which is revealed in the seventh and final edition of Harry Potter. My heart went out to Harry’s nemesis/reluctant ally. Should he have stopped loving her just because she didn’t pick him? Even if that is the wise thing to do, anyone who has been in a similar situation realizes that option isn’t available. He was devoted to his beloved Lilly even when she married his tormentor, and he continued to love her wholeheartedly when she passed from this life to the next. That, my friends, is true love. Undeterred, constant, and never-ending. Pure and tragically beautiful, this is a great love story.

The second is Eponine’s undying love for Marius in Les Miserables. Victor Hugo writes Eponine’s feelings and emotions with the description and empathy of someone who knows what it means to hurt, and it provides some of the most beautiful interactions of the entire story. In the musical version, her song “On My Own” provides a most heart wrenching look into the human soul, and this in a story already filled with tragedy, loss, and redemption. Eponine’s love for Marius transcends the normal parameters of love and brings it into the realm of the truly exquisite. “Without me, his world will go on turning, a world that’s full of happiness that I have never known.” She even makes that ultimate sacrifice, giving her life not with the promise of eventually being with her love, but in spite of the fact that she realizes it will never happen. True love must be selfless, and this is as selfless as it gets.

Admit it. This is so much more interesting than the classic guy gets girl story that has saturated the entertainment industry. I’m not saying there isn’t a place for that, but it lacks the drama and intrigue that exists when you know the guy/girl will never get what they ultimately want. Instead of a character just muttering sappy lines that are accepted by the love interest faster than I would accept a sleepover invite from Kate Beckinsale, I would like to see a character’s promises of love and devotion put to the test. You say you can’t live without someone? I say prove it. Some people actually have to.

Now that’s must see TV.

lets get creative, folks

So who else is curious about the Emperor's Club? A few days after New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's well publicized prostitution scandal, I can't even feign surprise. Is there anything that actually shocks anymore when it comes to public figures? There is plenty to be disappointed in, sure, but nothing surprises these days. If this sad ordeal teaches us anything, it is probably just how much power corrupts. Some would argue wealth is the more efficacious corrupting agent, but I disagree. I think the problem is that they often go hand in hand. To me, power is the ultimate a--holemaker.

I think it is nearly impossible to go through life with throngs of people telling you how amazing you are and deifying your every move and not feel that you are somehow above the law. (This principle can also be liberally applied to people who have always been attractive, and it is a key factor in most of them failing to develop an adequate personality. If the rules are different for you, and you don't have to work hard in an area of your life, it stands to reason that you won't. And as a sidenote: are we also that surprised when celebrities cheat on, or leave their eyecandy spouses when they start to age? I was reading about Hulk Hogan's divorce the other day, and it got me thinking: what did she expect? She was a model who married him because she was smoking hot and he had lots of money. So if that is the basis of the relationship, why wouldn't it be terminated when she failed to live up to the terms of the agreement? Does anyone think these trophy wives would still be around if the guy went bankrupt? Didn't think so. But back to the issue at hand.) What is the first thing you think when you hear so and so celebrity was arrested for this, or such and such athlete is accused of that? Probably the same as me: we don't send famous people to prison, so they are probably going to get off somehow. OJ Simpson is a free man, for heaven's sake! For every celebrity that serves time, there are probably 20 that should have, but could afford high priced liars, sorry, lawyers to get them off. Little slip of the typing hand there:) So why did Spitzer do it? Because he could. He was probably brazen enough to think that he played by a different set of rules. So was Micheal Vick. And Barry Bonds. And Roger Clemens. And.... ok, you get the idea.

I was actually having a conversation with my roommate the other day about speeding tickets, and I think there is probably something withing the doldrums of our conversation that might help this situation. I was talking about the fines levied for speeding, or other traffic violations here in the US, and how they are completely disproportionate from individual to individual. I received a carpool lane violation of the Bay Bridge in San Francisco a few years back and I ended up paying $450 in fines. For a carpool violation! Bill Gates would have paid the exact same fine if he had been flagged for my offense. In Scandinavia, fines are based on income levels, so the more you make, the more you have to pay. Is this too logical to work in the United States? Isn't the purpose of fines and laws to scare people into behaving as they should? What is the motivation for a celebrity not to break the law? Either jailtime, or losing money. We know for the most part, they won't be going to jail because they can buy their way out of it. So hit them where it hurts: the wallet. (There are actually more painful places to hit them, particularly on a man, but that should never be used as a form of punishment no matter how strong of a deterrent it would be. In the words of Chandler Bing, that is an area that "God only meant to be treated nicely.") I don't know about you, but I don't speed out of respect for the speed limit and the safety of others. Frankly, I don't think it puts anyone in danger if I want to do 90 on the highway. I choose not to speed because I don't want to pay the fine and have it go on my insurance, which would skyrocket. For those that obey all laws out of the goodness of their hearts, God Bless you. Even if you are lying bastards. Again, I digress.

My point? Not sure I have one, but lets give it a shot: we need to to give famous, powerful people a reason to obey the law. In 2002 in Finland, a Nokia executive was forced to pay a fine of $103,000 for driving 47 mph in 31mph zone. Now that's what I'm talking about! This was 14 days salary for this man. If I had been forced to pay 14 days salary for my transgression at the time, it would have worked out to about 200 bucks. Obviously the scale should go up depending on the severity of the offense, but you get the idea. It shouldn't just be the average person who is being penalized for breaking the law.

Bill Gates should be just as afraid as I am to commit a traffic violation, or any other violation for that matter. Hopefully one day he will. But that day will only come when he knows that by breaking the law, he will get dropkicked right in his checkbook's groin, the great equalizer for all men.