A Season of Thanks

Things that I am currently grateful for:

Thanksgiving. With no disrespect to Independence Day, I believe it is Thanksgiving that makes me proudest to be an American. An entire day devoted to eating, eating some more, and then capped off by more eating. All this is sandwiched around watching football and lounging around. Amazing. (Imagine God Bless America playing in the background while reading that last paragraph as a solitary tear rolls down my cheek.)

BYU beating Utah. Thank goodness. As Utah roared back from a 16 point deficit, I was orchestrating what would have been Tanya Hardingesque attack on Max Hall following the game. Luckily for all parties, Max did in fact make one good throw in the game, a perfect strike to a double covered Andrew George who sprinted into the end zone and saved Max from another epic choke and a potentially savage beating from my hired assailants. The important thing to remember is that Utah has once again been put in their place. Hall actually gets extra brownie points for his vicious thrashing of all things U of U after the game. Love me some trash talk. Suck it Utes!!

Technology. After watching movies and football for the past 4 days on my brother's 55 inch plasma TV, I can't help but admire the brave men and women who make such things possible. Thank you, Sony. Hopefully soon, I will be able to welcome one of your oversized models into my own apartment. Also, despite Cindy's constant belittling of my phone, it will now be allowing my to call her for free in Korea thanks to the free Skype app that was downloaded by me today. My phone accepts your apology, Cindy.

Mark Skinner. Welcome back into our lives, friend. True, it is only until Tuesday, but hopefully I can sell him on the idea of moving back to Utah until he starts getting paid handsomely for his mathematical nerdhood next year. From my lips to God's ears.

My Plea to Max Hall

Max Hall is the winningest quarterback in BYU history. So what. That is what I have to say about that. Never has a player had such great numbers yet inspired less confidence in his fans. When the public address announcer gave the congratulations over the loudspeaker after the game yesterday in which he set the record, there were actually quite a few boos, none of which came from me oddly enough. I didn’t need to. I think people finally understand who he is.

Hall is the kid you loved having on your team during practice or maybe even a scrimmage game, but when the pressure was on, you wouldn’t have chosen him until it was absolutely necessary. He can hit the open jumper, paint both sides of the plate, or haul in the long touchdown pass, but only if the game is already won, or doesn’t mean anything to begin with.

We have now seen Max for almost 3 full seasons. That is plenty enough to know that when we play Air Force, he will look like Joe Montana. Same goes for UNLV, New Mexico, Underbudget University, or any other number of mediocre to crappy teams. However, when he sees Utah, TCU, or any ranked or semi decent opponent coming through the tunnel, he folds faster than a 9 year old Asian working in a Nike sweatshop. His one redeeming moment, the final drive against Oklahoma, is the only notable exception. History has shown that to be the anomaly, the one outlier in a career all pointing to the same fact: Max Hall sucks in big games.

Would I take Hall over any of the other BYU greats? Not McMahon, Young, Bosco, Detmer, or Beck. I’d even rather have John Walsh or Brandon Doman.

Prove me wrong, Max. Beat Utah this week and look good doing it. You will have your home crowd behind you. You get to face a Utah team weakened by the draft and graduation. You are a senior, and should know everything they will throw at you. There is no excuse for you to fail. And make no mistake about it: We lost last year’s game because Max Hall failed. He was the difference in the game. Despite Utah’s undefeated record, we were fairly equal last year except for at quarterback. Brian Johnson was good, and Max Hall crapped the bed. Plain and simple.

Prove me wrong, Max. Show me that 3 years of statistics are wrong. Show me that you deserve the record you now hold. Give me a reason not to leave a flaming bag of crap on your doorstep following the final regular season game of your career. I am more than willing to let your mediocre career slide if you can do what you have been unable to do since you arrived in Provo. Just play well in a big game, Max. Just one. You can even revert back to your normal form in the bowl game. Just play well against Utah.

Because if you think I’m joking about the bag of crap, just try me.

the sound of one hand clapping

It’s always nice to know that your efforts are appreciated. I think we all realize this, but this point was driven home for me as I sat through Elder’s Quorum today. A little background is necessary.

I was called as an Elder’s Quorum instructor a few weeks ago and my first assignment was to teach on the martyrdom of the Prophet Joseph Smith. This is the last lesson in the manual and I thought it was a little early to be teaching this lesson, as there were about 8 more Sundays at the time. (I was of course correct, but the EQP was adamant that it was the correct lesson so I went ahead with it.) Nevertheless, I prepared what I thought was a well thought out and thought provoking lesson.

In the end, I thought the lesson went very well. It was well researched and had interesting outside information and plenty of personal experience. The class participation was excellent and I was pleased with the outcome. So imagine my surprise when the next lesson taught in that very Elder’s Quorum was the exact same lesson I had just given two weeks earlier. Not a ringing endorsement that I covered the information adequately. To make matters worse, there was no mention in class that we had already had the lesson, and several people in the class made comments about how they had never known certain things about the events leading up to the prophets death, despite the fact that they had also made comments in my class when we covered those specific things.

Like I said; not a ringing endorsement for my teaching skills. One positive that comes out of the situation is that I’m not going to stress too much over my next lesson, knowing that it is just part one of a two part lecture covering the exact same material. Takes a lot of pressure off, actually. I can now devote all the extra time and energy that I would have spent preparing lessons to getting mentally prepared for the upcoming bowling playoffs, which start Wednesday night. My whole life has been in preparation for this one penultimate moment. It’s time to separate the men from the boys. (Or the strong from the weak, in Jill’s case.)

May the best team win. Let’s get it on.

Random thoughts

So my computer crashed yesterday as I was compiling the much anticipated, aforementioned list. This saddens me deeply, as that post will have to wait. I could just post the list without pictures, but where's the fun in that? While this has disrupted the post I was anticipating, it hasn't defeated me. I will still come through, albeit with a slightly shorter and possibly more disjointed post than I otherwise would have made. It also might be exactly what you've come to expect.

First a word of warning. Halle Berry is a beautiful woman. There is no denying this. She has also been in several movies that would qualify her for my list, such as Swordfish, Die Another Day, and X-Men, among others. However, before perfoming a google image search of Ms. Berry, be sure that your search engine's modesty settings are set to high. I was not the only one to appreciate the lovely Halle and apparently many others appreciated her most in the topless scene that was edited out of my copy of Swordfish. You have been warned.

Speaking of inappropriateness, I had a hard time concentrating in one of my church meetings today. You could maybe say it was the fact that I had just consumed a delicious meal, thanks to AP and LIP, and you would also be right in assuming I was concerned about the close fantasy football matchup I was embroiled in. (Thanks for nothing DeSean Jackson.) Shockingly enough, these two facts had little to do with the problem of focus I was having. The culprit was a young man in front of me who seemed to have a crush on the guy sitting next to him.

Now I know I have been quick to accuse people of homosexual activity from time to time, but I think this was justified. (I also feel that wearing skinny jeans leaves any man open to questions of sexuality, but that is an argument for another time and place.) The young man in question continued throughout the meeting to lovingly and tenderly rub the back of the guy he was sitting beside. He busted out the full back scratch arsenal, including the figure 8, the one hand massage and even a little of the side rub/tickle. As this was happening right in front of me, it was difficult to focus on the speaker's topic. (Pretty sure it was something about guys not being inappropriate with other guys, but I can't be sure.)

If there was any question about the young man's feelings, they seemed to have been answered when he breathily began singing the rest hymn in his friend's ear and gave him longing looks from time to time throughout the rest of the meeting. Lets just say that I'm pretty sure this kid wasn't quite as interested as I was concerning what was happening in the Eagles-Cowboys game. I think I did see him following the men's doubles figure skating finals on his phone, though.

Finally I would like to thank everyone for the birthday shoutouts. They were much appreciated. I would particularly like to thank Cindy for a thoughtful card poking fun at my age, and to Bethanie for treating me to a delicious meal of all you can eat wings at Wingers. Highest thanks, however, are reserved for Janna and Jill, who procured three collectors items of highest literary importance for me that I can't wait to enjoy on our next roadtrip. The first of this well crafted series was discovered while at Bethanie's wedding in Atlanta two summers ago. Lets just say that if you think you've heard the scariest stories ever told, you most definitely have not. Not until you've read my new collection. Val, we need to find some way to get you in on some of these. I can only hope that all who participate are in good health with no history of heart problems. They are that good.

Upset of the Century

In a very stunning upset, Sophie Marceau in "Braveheart" has been crowned as most beautiful female movie character, according to me. This was highly unexpected, as Kate Beckinsale in "Click" has been leading the category since its inception. However, upon further review, the judges have ruled that Sophie is indeed the winner. Congratulations to both, as it is an honor just to be nominated.


The beautiful Kate


Sophie in Braveheart. Wonderful movie. Better female lead.

I will soon be unveiling the top ten beautiful women in movies of all time. Stay tuned. I'm sure all my female readers are riveted.