Change We Can Believe In

I hate making decisions. Not only do I hate making them, but when I do, I make bad decisions. This is a problem for many reasons, the most important of which being that it seems like there are so many decisions that I need to be making these days: where to live, who to live with, what to do with my life, what to do short term, what to do long term, when to make my move on Janna, where to go to grad school, what to study, etc. Potentially, there is a whole platter of decisions that I can spill all over the proverbial customer’s lap.

I was watching a classic episode of Friends about a week ago and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. In the episode, Rachel tries to counter the fact that she makes terrible decisions by appointing Monica to make all of her decisions for her. This also corresponds with a great episode of Seinfeld. Hapless George has an epiphany where he realizes that every decision he has ever made has been wrong. He takes a different approach to the issue, and decides that all of his instincts are wrong, and that by doing the opposite of what he would normally do, he would effectively neutralize his bad judgment. This promptly lands him a beautiful woman and a front office job with the New York Yankees.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m ready to learn from the popular culture I have enjoyed for so long. No longer will I make all my decisions based on the sound advice of Oprah and those chatty women from the view. From here on out, I am taking a page out of the Book of Rachel and the Words of Costanza. Here’s what’s going to happen: I will be fielding open suggestions from anyone who has ideas on how I should proceed with my future. Fear not. No idea is too simple and no suggestion can be too ridiculous. Feel free to give short term as well as long term advice. I am willing to listen to anyone, as long as the idea does not originate in my head.

Now here is the tricky part. I have to decide which advice to take. This is where George comes in. Not only am I trying to avoid ever making another decision, a la Rachel Green, but on those rare occasions where a decision must be left to me, I will have to be ready to do the exact opposite of what would appear to be the correct choice. Difficult? Yes. But I’m committed to change. Just call me Barrack.

I need your help people. Me being in charge of my own life has been an utter disaster. With your help, I can make the progress that will lead me into the next phase of my life. Vote for change in ’08. Vote for my future.

Yes we can. Yes we can.

The Heart of Life

Life is good. I don’t know if I express that enough, but I want to state this emphatically: life is good.

Don’t get me wrong. Life is hard. Sometimes pain throws your hope to the ground. One of my friends just had his heart broken a few weeks ago. At times like that, it’s easy to think that things will never be good again, and that all innocence in life is lost. It was this very same pining and sense of loss that led Paul Simon to pen, “Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio. A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.” He was longing for a time when things were simple and beautiful, and he turned to his father’s baseball icon, a man that had retired 16 years earlier. There have been many times that I’ve found myself yearning for the peace and serenity of the past. It is so easy to live in the past and plot out the perfect way things should have happened. But dealing with pain in the present is the only way to look forward to a bright future.

We all experience pain. Nobody escapes its path. But that is not what brings us together. What brings us together as one is our goal: everyone is just looking for love. Love heals all wounds. Love gives us hope. Love turns the whole thing around. It is impossible to experience love without feeling that there is a purpose to this life. No it won’t all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good.

At times, this must be our mantra. If you say it enough, it becomes impossible to forget. Life is good. What about those times when you think you can’t go on? Especially then. Say it. Chant it. Believe it. These are the times when we need to be the strongest, because believe me; bad news never had good timing.

It’s important to have great friends. I can’t imagine going through life without close friends to share it with. It would all be so meaningless. I love my friends. They’ve been with me through the best and worst times of my life, and that is what matters. Great friends foster hope, and help us remember everything that we love about life. Even if everything else is crashing down, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining. They help us see the good that is there, but possibly hiding at the moment.

I’m terrified of the future. I don’t know what it holds. But life is good, and that keeps me going. After all, fear is a friend who’s misunderstood. It’s a wonderful motivator. I’ve never prepared harder than the times that I was the most afraid to fail. I’ve never worked harder than those moments when I knew there was someone that I couldn’t let down. You just can’t let the fear overcome you. Trust that things will work out, and then work to make sure they do. Believe in people. Don’t be afraid of the unknown.

And know that the heart of life is good.

The Emporers New Clothes

I think a great way to disarm people is by using self deprecating humor. I really enjoy this technique and those who practice it. I’m not exactly sure why this is, but I’ve got a few theories. First, I can’t stand people who take themselves too seriously. It has always rubbed me the wrong way. If the only reason someone thinks you are smart, important, or great in any way is that you tell them, something is wrong. I’ve absolutely loved my time at BYU, but if I had one complaint, it would be the ridiculous desire and need many feel to self promote, especially with the opposite sex. I guess I would call this the Marriott School mentality. Guys know what girls want to hear, and many forgo humility in an attempt to build themselves up into the image that most girls are looking for. You would think that this would be so easy to see through that it wouldn’t work. You would be wrong. And in the world of only having 1-3 dates to convince someone you are worth spending time with, this often means that the self promoting toolsheds of the world are often successful in this regard.

The second reason is that I’ve always thought people couldn’t make fun of you, or talk trash you behind your back as long as you were up front and honest about your shortcomings. Have you ever seen 8 mile? At the end of the movie, Eminem realizes that the other guy he is battle rapping against has a myriad of bullets to use against him in their verbal duel. So what does he do? He cuts him off before he can even get started. He throws all of those things about himself that might be embarrassing out in the open right away, and the other guy gets up and realizes that it would be lame to use any of those things now, so he quits and Eminem is victorious. I think I actually started doing this in middle school. Now, I fully admit that this can be done to unhealthy levels, but when kept in moderation, it is a wonderfully disarming characteristic.

The problem with using this as a defense mechanism, especially in a BYU/Utah culture where self promotion is often the rule, is that people have to be open minded in order make accurate judgments about your character. If someone is expecting Muhammad Ali’s “I am the greatest” speech and gets the “aw, shucks” routine instead, you might think they have a lack of confidence. Think about a job interview. One of the questions that is always asked, is what do you feel are some of your flaws, or some variation of that question. It is widely accepted that this is an excuse for you to pretend like something is a flaw, when it is actually strength. “I really just am too focused on what I am doing sometimes and I can’t stop until it’s done. It’s a problem.” Or, “I just care too much.” These are the BS answers that employers have come to expect. What would happen if you were honest with them? “I am really not a morning person and sometimes it’s just really hard to get up and out of bed.” This is probably true of the general population, but would be absolutely unacceptable to say. Why? Because nobody tells the truth in these situations and being honest about a problem that most share doesn’t just leave you in the middle of the pack, in puts you at the back.

I have a friend who didn’t take a prep course to take the LSAT. This is really the way it should be. The test should be a measurement of how well your mind works at answering the questions provided. Sadly, it has become the norm to pay someone to teach you how to do the test well. This makes it so that in order to be on equal footing with everyone else, you have to pay 800 or 1000 bucks to do well. Luckily, my friend is extremely smart and was able to rock the test on her own. She is the kind of student law schools are looking for. Kaplan and Ace have made it so that top schools end up with the students who do the best on the LSAT, not necessarily who would be the best law school candidate.

I was in a ward soon after I got off my mission where many of the guys would often get up to bear their testimony about how much they loved to serve, and help people. One guy in particular would get up every month and gush about how much he loved people, and how much he loved to serve. He would rattle on for 10 minutes about wanting to help anyone, even if it was in the middle of the night, and how nothing made him happier than doing service for those in the ward. He quickly gained a reputation for being the hard working, service guy. The funny thing is that he did absolutely nothing. He was supposed to have home taught my friends all year, and he never came. When we had ward service projects, he would show up and talk to girls the entire time and accomplish nothing productive. But to my dismay, at the end of the year who do you think people thought of when it came to service?

Perception versus reality. Is perception reality? It saddens me to say that I think it usually is. What irritates me the most is when this is even true among friends. I was devastated recently to learn that someone who I considered one of my best friends was bagging on me and ripping me in a way that I never thought someone close to me would. The ammo was easy to find. It was the stuff that I joke about publicly all the time. You would think that the people that know you best would look past the self deprecation and lack of self promotion. The worst thing about finding that out was it makes me think, if this person that I absolutely trusted would do that, who else would?

But then again, I guess if people think something is true, it must be. Sad day for me.

Insomniac Theater

Have you ever not been able to sleep? It’s awful. There have only been two times in my life that I have been unable to sleep for an extended period of time, and both were asthma related. My latest bout started last week after playing two hours of basketball with my cousins. We had a few good, friendly games and afterwards I started to realize I was having some difficulty breathing. About this same time, my seasonal allergies started to kick in and for the second year in a row, it triggered my asthma. So I guess I’m not sure which one is fully responsible, but I do know that I pretty much don’t sleep anymore.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m trying. I’ve tried propping myself up so that my breathing is less restricted. I made a steam room out of my bathroom in the hopes it would open up my breathing and let me sleep, but the relief is always extremely short lived. I’ve experimented with a several different medicines, the latest of which is a steroidal inhaler that hopefully is not causing eventual kidney failure and the gradual shrinkage of my very favorite area. I’ve taken 3 different inhalers, cough medicine, allergy medicine, cough drops and I’ve even tried some light recreational drugs such as weed and E. Nothing helps. (Let’s be honest for a second: they all help. They just don’t help me sleep!)

So it is now very early on Friday morning, and I have not slept more than two hours in a day since last Friday. How has this impacted my life, you ask? Thanks for asking, and I’d love to tell you. First of all, it has given me about six more hours in my day with which I can catch up on all of the tasks I’ve been putting off during my normally frantic schedule. These include watching reruns of last year’s homerun derby, the first two games of the Major League Baseball season in their entirety despite airing at the unholy hour of 4 am, watching the season premiere of the Hills at least four times, reruns of every episode of Rock of Love II with Brett Micheals, the Gauntlet III (which tragically ended last week, only to gloriously come back into my life this week with a reunion special. This joy was short lived, however, and now I am left only with emptiness, wishing that Evan, Kenny, CT, Jillian, and Frank would so mercifully fill this void that has been created. As of 7 am, March 28, they have yet to respond to my desperate pleas.), America’s Best Dance Crew, and anything that could have possibly happened in the world of sports.

What else have I been able to accomplish? Well, you know how you’ve always wanted to go through the day with a mental fog surrounding your every thought, making rational, well reasoned decisions an impossible task? Definitely checked that one off my list. Did you ever see Half Baked with Dave Chapelle? It’s kind of like that, only without the euphoric side effects.

This has actually been quite the blessing. I wasn’t sure when I was going to find the time to adequately stress about not knowing what I want to do with my life, wonder where I want to live next year, worry about finances and feel lovesick, but miraculously this gives me the necessary time to accomplish these tasks. Thank heavens that I’m able to pack this delightful smorgasbord of thoughts into my otherwise sleep filled mind.

Not that all of this hasn’t been wonderful, but I’ve decided that there is a way I can better use this time. From this point on, I will be selling the time that I would have otherwise been sleeping, from 2 am to 9 am. Seriously. Tell your friends. My services can be used doing homework, cleaning, filming an E true Hollywood story of your life, writing love poetry, taking copious notes on any television programs that you don’t have time to watch, running errands, fixing things, making a mess of your life or the lives of those around you, vicarious exercise, or even sexual favors. All to the highest bidder. So for anyone who feels too busy to accomplish everything they need to get done, I am your man. Just be sure to specify the day and hours you are bidding on and what services you would like performed, and you will be notified via email should you happen to win the bid. I promise this will change your life, so don’t let such a wonderful opportunity pass you by. Only one catch: no checks or credit cards. In the words of the always poignant Randy Moss, it’s gotta be “straight cash homey.”

On second thought, you should probably sleep on it.

Romeo, meet Juliet's husband

What is it that makes a good love story? Ask 50 people this question and you’ll probably get at least that many answers. I think many people would point to the likeability of the characters or even the actors, but not me. I think this can add to or be a deterrent to liking the story, but doesn’t in and of itself make a good love story. I can think of many movies that had entirely likeable characters that were not at all excellent, and vice versa.

One of my favorite movies is the British film Love Actually. In many ways, this is just a feel good movie. Several couples are followed and love is portrayed from many different perspectives: young love, forbidden love, lost love, interracial love and even lust are shown as some of the many forms that love takes. Yet, despite all of these interesting subplots, my favorite storyline might just be one of the saddest; that of a man who is in love with his best friend’s wife. He realizes that this love will never provide the storybook ending he has hoped for, but his love isn’t diminished and he continues to love her despite her permanent unavailability.

To me, the most interesting love story that can ever be told is one of unrequited love. I think too many times we equate happy with good when it comes to movies and books. There is so much beauty to be found in falling short of perfection, and heaven forbid, not having a happy ending. Not only is unrequited love the most interesting, but I also believe it embodies love in its truest form. There are no ulterior motives when it comes to a love that is not returned. Why would anyone subject themselves to that agonizing experience if their love was anything but pure? The guaranteed torment that accompanies such a love authenticates it beyond reproof.

There are two examples of such a love that I’ve been thinking about lately. The first is Severus Snape’s love for Lilly Potter which is revealed in the seventh and final edition of Harry Potter. My heart went out to Harry’s nemesis/reluctant ally. Should he have stopped loving her just because she didn’t pick him? Even if that is the wise thing to do, anyone who has been in a similar situation realizes that option isn’t available. He was devoted to his beloved Lilly even when she married his tormentor, and he continued to love her wholeheartedly when she passed from this life to the next. That, my friends, is true love. Undeterred, constant, and never-ending. Pure and tragically beautiful, this is a great love story.

The second is Eponine’s undying love for Marius in Les Miserables. Victor Hugo writes Eponine’s feelings and emotions with the description and empathy of someone who knows what it means to hurt, and it provides some of the most beautiful interactions of the entire story. In the musical version, her song “On My Own” provides a most heart wrenching look into the human soul, and this in a story already filled with tragedy, loss, and redemption. Eponine’s love for Marius transcends the normal parameters of love and brings it into the realm of the truly exquisite. “Without me, his world will go on turning, a world that’s full of happiness that I have never known.” She even makes that ultimate sacrifice, giving her life not with the promise of eventually being with her love, but in spite of the fact that she realizes it will never happen. True love must be selfless, and this is as selfless as it gets.

Admit it. This is so much more interesting than the classic guy gets girl story that has saturated the entertainment industry. I’m not saying there isn’t a place for that, but it lacks the drama and intrigue that exists when you know the guy/girl will never get what they ultimately want. Instead of a character just muttering sappy lines that are accepted by the love interest faster than I would accept a sleepover invite from Kate Beckinsale, I would like to see a character’s promises of love and devotion put to the test. You say you can’t live without someone? I say prove it. Some people actually have to.

Now that’s must see TV.

lets get creative, folks

So who else is curious about the Emperor's Club? A few days after New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's well publicized prostitution scandal, I can't even feign surprise. Is there anything that actually shocks anymore when it comes to public figures? There is plenty to be disappointed in, sure, but nothing surprises these days. If this sad ordeal teaches us anything, it is probably just how much power corrupts. Some would argue wealth is the more efficacious corrupting agent, but I disagree. I think the problem is that they often go hand in hand. To me, power is the ultimate a--holemaker.

I think it is nearly impossible to go through life with throngs of people telling you how amazing you are and deifying your every move and not feel that you are somehow above the law. (This principle can also be liberally applied to people who have always been attractive, and it is a key factor in most of them failing to develop an adequate personality. If the rules are different for you, and you don't have to work hard in an area of your life, it stands to reason that you won't. And as a sidenote: are we also that surprised when celebrities cheat on, or leave their eyecandy spouses when they start to age? I was reading about Hulk Hogan's divorce the other day, and it got me thinking: what did she expect? She was a model who married him because she was smoking hot and he had lots of money. So if that is the basis of the relationship, why wouldn't it be terminated when she failed to live up to the terms of the agreement? Does anyone think these trophy wives would still be around if the guy went bankrupt? Didn't think so. But back to the issue at hand.) What is the first thing you think when you hear so and so celebrity was arrested for this, or such and such athlete is accused of that? Probably the same as me: we don't send famous people to prison, so they are probably going to get off somehow. OJ Simpson is a free man, for heaven's sake! For every celebrity that serves time, there are probably 20 that should have, but could afford high priced liars, sorry, lawyers to get them off. Little slip of the typing hand there:) So why did Spitzer do it? Because he could. He was probably brazen enough to think that he played by a different set of rules. So was Micheal Vick. And Barry Bonds. And Roger Clemens. And.... ok, you get the idea.

I was actually having a conversation with my roommate the other day about speeding tickets, and I think there is probably something withing the doldrums of our conversation that might help this situation. I was talking about the fines levied for speeding, or other traffic violations here in the US, and how they are completely disproportionate from individual to individual. I received a carpool lane violation of the Bay Bridge in San Francisco a few years back and I ended up paying $450 in fines. For a carpool violation! Bill Gates would have paid the exact same fine if he had been flagged for my offense. In Scandinavia, fines are based on income levels, so the more you make, the more you have to pay. Is this too logical to work in the United States? Isn't the purpose of fines and laws to scare people into behaving as they should? What is the motivation for a celebrity not to break the law? Either jailtime, or losing money. We know for the most part, they won't be going to jail because they can buy their way out of it. So hit them where it hurts: the wallet. (There are actually more painful places to hit them, particularly on a man, but that should never be used as a form of punishment no matter how strong of a deterrent it would be. In the words of Chandler Bing, that is an area that "God only meant to be treated nicely.") I don't know about you, but I don't speed out of respect for the speed limit and the safety of others. Frankly, I don't think it puts anyone in danger if I want to do 90 on the highway. I choose not to speed because I don't want to pay the fine and have it go on my insurance, which would skyrocket. For those that obey all laws out of the goodness of their hearts, God Bless you. Even if you are lying bastards. Again, I digress.

My point? Not sure I have one, but lets give it a shot: we need to to give famous, powerful people a reason to obey the law. In 2002 in Finland, a Nokia executive was forced to pay a fine of $103,000 for driving 47 mph in 31mph zone. Now that's what I'm talking about! This was 14 days salary for this man. If I had been forced to pay 14 days salary for my transgression at the time, it would have worked out to about 200 bucks. Obviously the scale should go up depending on the severity of the offense, but you get the idea. It shouldn't just be the average person who is being penalized for breaking the law.

Bill Gates should be just as afraid as I am to commit a traffic violation, or any other violation for that matter. Hopefully one day he will. But that day will only come when he knows that by breaking the law, he will get dropkicked right in his checkbook's groin, the great equalizer for all men.

My Beautiful Green Eyes

I've never thought of myself as a jealous person. I remember hanging out with my girlfriend about two years ago when she had a few of her friends over who were asking all sorts of questions about this guy she used to date and was still in contact with and it didn't even phase me. Looking back, it should have really bothered me. This was a guy that she had dated seriously and was still very much a part of her life. For some reason, it didn't bother me at all. I was confident in myself I couldn't have cared less about this other guy. I was assured it wasn't an issue, and that was good enough for me. Maybe I was naive. Maybe I was too trusting.

Fast forward two years. I still remember that innocent, trusting person, but only vaguely. I was thinking about this as I watched the super bowl on Sunday. First of all, what an amazing game! How often do we get to see Goliath slain before our very eyes? I sat through the entire season watching the Patriots disregard every classic rule of sportsmanship and essentially roll through the league with both middle fingers raised high all the while hoping that they would be humbled at some point. They were defiant about their rule breaking, ran up the score at every opportunity and broke records that had been set by players I loved and respected. And with less than three minutes left in the game, it looked like their coronation as champs was nearly complete. There is no way they thought they would lose at that point, and that is what makes their defeat so wonderful. But I digress.

I have recently found myself hating everything about the Patriots and their golden boy quarterback, Prince Tom Brady. He makes millions. He dates supermodels. He has won three super bowls and just set about every single season passing record you could imagine. Shouldn't I be happy for him? He's most assuredly worked extremely hard to get where he's at. I should realize that his success and accomplishments embody the American Dream, proving that you can accomplish anything if you are willing to work for it. Why not give the man credit for becoming one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL despite not being pegged for professional success? He deserves it, right?

Wrong. My jealousy, previously non-existent or dormant, will not allow me to cheer for him. I hate him. I wish him harm. I hope that when he gets down on one knee to propose someday, that he will simultaneously be rejected and roundhouse kicked in his GQ mug. Harsh? Maybe. Fair? I think so. I'm sure Mr. Brady experiences hardships, such as his crushing defeat on Sunday, but it doesn't make me dislike him any less.

Don't get me wrong. My green eyes of jealousy do not fall on Tom Brady alone. I'm jealous of everyone that has money. I can't tell you how many cars I have mentally keyed, or how many times I have got in a fight with someone on campus only to realize that it didn't actually happen, but I just played out the events in my mind. I hate Mr. Darcy. That's right. He's a pompous a--hole who finally acts like a normal human being at the end of the movie, but because he's so rich and good looking, girls adore him like he is a saint. Zac Efron and his perfectly groomed swoopbangs deserve a beatdown. I think I even have some pent up hatred of Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Not really sure why on that one, because I think the man is like five foot two. I was giddy inside when Tony Romo and his 67 million dollar contract choked at the end of the season and in the playoffs. Viva la Jessica! Don't even get me started on Jim from The Office. (Interestingly enough, I love Brad Pitt. Maybe there is some latent homosexuality there, but this is neither the time nor the place for that discussion.)

Why all the negativity? Why so much animosity for people I've never met? I'll tell you why. These men are ruining my life. With every touchdown pass, smooth line in a movie, or benevolent onscreen act they make me look like a bigger tool. And it's not just me. If any guys are reading this, which outside of the magicman would be news to me, you are also looking bad. Women don't want a boyfriend or a husband. They want a Victorian millionaire whose lines are scripted. They want the singing basketball star that spends as much time on his hair as they do. They want the office heartthrob with no faults who is endlessly witty, while at the same time appearing vulnerable. They want Prince Tom. The problem is I can never be those things. Nobody can. I am witty, but most of the time I'm just myself. I've never even been to a salon. I don't play a musical instrument, and I have never led any game winning drives in the NFL. I don't have money. I'm just a nice guy who wants a simple life with someone he loves. I want to watch movies together as we cuddle on a weekday night. I want to make dinner together and laugh when things turn out horribly wrong. I want to see the look on her face when she opens the gift I picked out for her birthday. I want her to be excited to see me when I get home after a rough day of work. I want her to feel completely at home in my arms, not caring that I can't afford to take her to Europe or put a rock on her hand as big as a softball. I want her to love me for being me.

Is this possible? Who knows. The me from two years ago still thinks so, and I desperately hope he's right. I guess only time will tell. Until that day, my green eyes will continue to look longingly at everything I want but don't have.

Because unrefrained jealousy is the new American Dream.