Aged to Perfection

My younger brother Eben just turned 19 yesterday. This is a big year in any Mormon boy's life. Not only is it his last as a teenager, but soon he will find out where he will be spending his next two years. My prediction: the Ozarks in Arkansas. This will ensure that he will in fact go through the difficulty of learning a new language but his efforts will not be recognized by the general population as English and Hick actually do have much in common. Regardless, I wish him well and hope that he finds himself somewhere much warmer this time next year.

I also have an older brother that will be turning 30 in a few months which has caused me to think quite a bit lately. What, you ask, is so special about that? People turn 30 everyday. Two things about my brother differentiate him from the general population. First, he is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This in and of itself is also unremarkable. After all, there are over 13 million members worldwide. What makes Danny unique is a characteristic that instills fear and trembling in even the most stalwart of church members: he is not married.

Is there anything more terrifying in the life of a member of the church than to be 30 and unmarried? I can assure you wholeheartedly there is not. Among the list of things less frightening are the following:

1. Being held hostage at gunpoint.
2. Suddenly realizing you are completely naked in front of everyone you know.
3. That dream where you realize it is the end of the semester and you have not gone to class or studied at all and your finals are starting now! (Does anyone else have this dream, because it is one of my constants. Just curious.)
4. Discovering that the mysterious man your 18 year old daughter is dating and refers to only as Juice, is in fact O.J. Simpson.

There are actually hundreds of horrific events most mormon young adults would rather subject themselves to than to be staring down the barrel of the big three zero with no ring and no prospects. Death would probably be more welcome. Now, I don't think that the fear of being alone is unique to mormon culture. This is a very human characteristic. What would sitcoms and movies be without the ever present storyline of either a man or woman realizing they are getting older and and the fear that they will never get married? (i.e. Jerry and George in the "Pact" episode of Seinfeld, the entire cast of Friends throughout every season, and nearly every romantic comedy ever made.) But life being over if still single at the age of 30? That is not universal.

What is the big deal?! Why are we so terrified? I'll tell you why. Because mormon dating culture has officially overtaken Hollywood and the Southern California beach scene as the most judgmental, superficial culture in the world. OK, so I may be exaggerating a little. But only slightly. A good friend calls it Provo Seinfeld. You aren't necessarily judged for the things that you do, you are judged for what you appear to do. Perception about a person is often more important that reality. Do you remember the episode where Jerry gets dumped by the supermodel when she catches him picking his nose? The fact that he didn't actually do it was immaterial. It looked to others like he did, and that was enough to end it. This is the problem with age. If you are 30 and single, the perception is that you are either weird or unrighteous. So ridiculous.

It has become far to easy for people to justify their superficiality. We have code words and phrases that allow us all to be as picky we want yet still maintain the ruse that we are not shallow. Don't want to date boy who has a low earning potential? Easy. Just say that you could care less about the money, but it is a matter of ambition. You need a boy who is more driven and has a stronger work ethic. If you want to be a teacher, keep it to yourself until after the engagement. Stick with pre-law or pre-med until a commitment is made. Can't find a polite way to tell others that a girl wasn't cute enough for you? It's really a personalities thing. We just didn't click. You get the idea.

What saddens me about the age thing, besides the fact that it is speeding towards me like a blitzing linebacker, is that it shouldn't matter at all. So what if you are single and 25, or single and 30? Live your life and enjoy it. It only matters because we associate some level of righteousness with how old you are and whether or not you are married. This is absurd. Judge people for who they are. Serving a mission doesn't make you a good person. Serving an honorable one does. Being in the elders quorum presidency doesn't mean your life is in order. Serving faithfully in whatever calling you are asked does. It is wonderful that many people find the person they want to be with quickly, and we should all be happy for these people. I'm not, but I should. As long as we realize that it doesn't say anything about what kind of a person you are. Neither does your age. The sooner we all realize this, the sooner 28 and 29 year olds everywhere can stop cowering in fear. No more dread at the thought of leaving BYU unmarried. Take comfort in the fact that you are a good person and that you will have all of the joys and benefits of marriage someday.

Unless your personality sucks. In that case, you should probably just settle.