Trust me. It's definitely you.

I’m still waiting for the Yankees to call. It’s been several years since I let word get out that I was interested in their General Manager position. Since then, this has gone from interest, to me saying hear and now that I will definitely take the job. That should put an end to all debate about who should be running the show for the most powerful sports franchise in the world, but incredibly, I haven’t received an offer yet. I realize this might be the fault of T-Mobile and my dinosaur of a phone, so I’m willing to give them more time. Just know this Mr. Steinbrenner, I won’t be around forever.

In the meantime, I’ve been exploring other employment opportunities. I can eat tremendous amounts of food, especially if a dare is involved. Sadly the competitive eating market is a difficult one to penetrate. I’m great at naming actors and actresses in movies but this has only led my friends to stop playing games with me related to that area of my brilliance. That goes for Trivial Pursuit as well. What about my ability to watch endless amounts of sports? Again, not so in demand. I guess that rules out my talent for watching TV and movies.

Alas, not all of my talents are wasted. I may have stumbled upon my true calling in life yesterday as I was discussing a difficult situation with a friend. For the sake of anonymity, let’s call my friend “Jan.” Jan and I were discussing a boy that has been pursuing her for years, one that certainly has not received the many hints that have been dropped which clearly have spelled out her lack of interest. The situation crescendoed yesterday as she received a heartfelt facebook message from said boy which I will paraphrase as saying, “I know you don’t seem to be interested but I like you too much to take the hints and I think you are wonderful and please date me.” Imagine that for about three paragraphs and you get the idea.

Those of you that know Jan are fully aware that like most women, she is a coward when it comes to negative honesty. I love her, but its true and she will readily admit it. This has doubtless been a minor cause to the aforementioned boy’s confusion. (However, in her defense, a fully lobotomized Michael Scott could have picked up the hints she was throwing down.)

As we were discussing the events that were transpiring, it hit me like a bolt of lightning. This was familiar territory. It seemed as though everything in my life had led me up to this point. Finally, I had found a way to apply my talents and life experience!

I told her not to worry, that I would take care of it. I quickly crafted the following note, channeling every time I had found myself in a similar situation, but on the opposite end. (A few of my close friends’ experiences may also have found their way in.)

Thank you for the email. I’m glad you told me how you feel. I’ve had fun hanging out with you and I appreciate the time and effort you’ve put into our dates. I’m sorry to say that I just don’t feel the same way that you do. I think you’re a great guy, and I like you as a friend, but apparently not in the same way you like me. I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I hope you appreciate my honesty. If you still want to be friends, that would be great. However, I understand if that is too difficult for you, all things considered. Thank you so much for being so thoughtful. I apologize if I’ve hurt you in any way and I wish you all the best.

I’ve never been so inspired. The words flowed effortlessly as I typed, and I explained to her exactly how it would play out. He would actually be the one that ended up apologizing to her, and she would come across as the good guy, even though she was the one that had his heart in the agonizing head-lock. Most importantly, he would understand that she didn’t want to date. Problem solved. I would feel bad reprinting his follow up message, but let’s just say it was exactly as I predicted. He told her not to feel bad, and that he appreciated her honesty and hoped that they could still be friends.

With these events in mind, I am opening up my services to the public. A relationship you need to end? Call me. My pledge to you is this: not only will the person I am directing my services at get the message you intend to send, but you will come out of the entire situation smelling like a rose. There isn’t an excuse I haven’t heard. My fee? A mere 20 bucks a year to have me on retainer. You can also pay by setting me up on a date, because heaven knows that is just as valuable as 20 bucks. That means you get unlimited coverage for your breakup needs for the low price of 20 dollars! But wait. If you act now, I will also give you detailed analysis of any relationship question, free of charge. Not sure about signals being given? Wondering what he or she meant with a certain text? I will even take care of stalkers, courtesy of my Louisville Slugger baseball bat collection. Just call the toll free number 801-318-6393. (Only actually free if you too are on a T-Mobile plan.) Anytime, day or night, I will be standing by.

This is my new calling. The world will be a better, less confused place and I will be the reason why. Don’t hesitate to call. This is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for.

It’s not you, it’s me? No, it’s definitely you.