Public Service Announcement: Please Hire This Man!

I consider myself a generous person. In fact, it’s one of my greatest attributes, along with my luscious tan. This is why I have decided to adopt the charity case of one Jefferson Dickamore. (If you are a potential employer, please immediately skip to second to last paragraph.) Jeff is currently unemployed. He is an aspiring actor and is looking for his big break. But to be quite blunt, his life could not be any more of a struggle. Just listen to what some of his friends have recently said about him when asked what they thought of Jeff:

“Jeff? Wow. Where to begin. I knew he was destined to be a drain on society from the day I met him. I’m actually surprised it’s taken him this long to join the ranks of the unemployed. Didn’t he just get out of rehab?”- Cindy Ford

“I actually talked the people at Teach for America into giving him a pity acceptance, and he turned it down. What a loser! I can tell you this much: there is one less classroom in America with a scraggly, below par teacher destroying young minds thanks to that declined invitation.”- Deanna Roark

“Jeff has been hitting on me for years and it’s kind of pathetic. I just wish he would leave me alone.”- Jill Crane

“I was Jeff’s TA as an undergrad and I could not have been more disappointed. He really brought underachieving to an entirely new level. True, he did get the highest score in the class, but by one measly percent? Give me a break.”- Professor Darren Hinton

“I can’t even tell you how disappointed I am in him.”- President Barack Obama

“I took Jeff on a charity date a few years ago, but it was only on a dare. I just felt sorry for him.”- Janna Siler

“Jeff Dickamore? I’d hit that.”- Rachel Quada
-----Editors note. Not sure Rachel really understood the question.

As you can see, Jeff needs all the help he can get. So lets all make a deal to get his name out there. Start talking him up around the water cooler. My loyal flock of readers has the juice to get this man a job, and maybe even a date. Scratch that. We need to be realistic. Let’s just focus on the job. Below is his resume:

Jeff is awesome. Please give him a job. He is polite, hard working, and rarely ever flies into fits of rage. He is an excellent dancer, particularly if it involves his favorite artist, Lady Gaga. Need to impress potential clients? Look no further. Jeff is more than willing to bust out his award winning parlor tricks for the amusement of others. These talents include yodeling, three card monte and the best air guitar you’ve ever seen. Jeff is also great with kids. He has this candy they love, I think its called Ambien, and they are always so well behaved. Who knew kids could sleep so much? It is true that Jeff doesn’t have a lot of special skills, but he is more than willing to make up for it with tenacious energy and a can do attitude. Take a chance on him and you will not be disappointed. I would recommend quickly taking action, because this gem won’t be on the market for long.

Hopefully. (Fingers crossed.)