Happy Effing Holidays

Not going to lie to you kids. This was not a great weekend. On Friday I found out that the shoulder surgery I had planned for my right shoulder this coming week might not be as simple as previously thought, and therefore might need to be moved back again. Yesterday, my car, after careful consideration of what to get me for Christmas finally decided on a good old fashioned kick in the balls. Merry Christmas, you get a new water pump and timing belt, all for low, low cost of 350 bucks. Son of a b. This has also left me walking around in the Provo slush for the past two days, leading to me stepping in a giant hidden puddle that went halfway up my leg as well as nearly slipping and falling roughly 7,218 times on my way to and from church today.

While trying to fix my car in the snow and slush, I received a call from my Elder’s Quorum President. He forgot to tell me but it was my week to teach Elder’s Quorum. Just go ahead and prepare a 45 minute lesson of your choice since we finished the book early. That’s no problem right? Oh, of course not, Toolshed. After all, it’s only 3pm on a Saturday afternoon in which I have plans for the rest of the day. Its not like church is at 9:25am or anything. Would you like anything else? A warm cooked meal perhaps? Maybe a foot rub? You just let me know.

All of this was only leading up to the real disaster. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a mild interest in sports, and occasionally like to be involved in the fantasy variety. It is currently the first round of the football playoffs. Our league does two weeks for each round of the playoffs, and this is the second week of the first round. My team is awesome. We have averaged 112 points per week for the past 8 weeks. The next closest team over that span averages 10 points a week less. Again, my team is awesome. To my utter dismay, someone must have alerted the members of my team and told them this was the weekend to get as many shots in on me as possible, because they capped the weekend off quite nicely. I figured even if they put up a bad week, I would be fine because I had built up a 23 point lead after the first week of playoffs, and my season low was set in the first week of the season at 82. Of course, my team puts up the ultimate stinkbomb, a season low 69 points and loses by 2. I will now proceed to smash my head into my desk repeatedly.

Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here. Maybe the cosmos is reaching out to me and trying to get my attention. Is there something I need to take away from this disastrous weekend from hell? Give me a second…… I think I’m picking up on something……. What is it? "F you, Darren. F. You. Darren." Thanks for that one, Universe. Merry Christmas to you too.

If anyone needs me, I will be broiling my head in the oven.