Have you ever not been able to sleep? It’s awful. There have only been two times in my life that I have been unable to sleep for an extended period of time, and both were asthma related. My latest bout started last week after playing two hours of basketball with my cousins. We had a few good, friendly games and afterwards I started to realize I was having some difficulty breathing. About this same time, my seasonal allergies started to kick in and for the second year in a row, it triggered my asthma. So I guess I’m not sure which one is fully responsible, but I do know that I pretty much don’t sleep anymore.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m trying. I’ve tried propping myself up so that my breathing is less restricted. I made a steam room out of my bathroom in the hopes it would open up my breathing and let me sleep, but the relief is always extremely short lived. I’ve experimented with a several different medicines, the latest of which is a steroidal inhaler that hopefully is not causing eventual kidney failure and the gradual shrinkage of my very favorite area. I’ve taken 3 different inhalers, cough medicine, allergy medicine, cough drops and I’ve even tried some light recreational drugs such as weed and E. Nothing helps. (Let’s be honest for a second: they all help. They just don’t help me sleep!)
So it is now very early on Friday morning, and I have not slept more than two hours in a day since last Friday. How has this impacted my life, you ask? Thanks for asking, and I’d love to tell you. First of all, it has given me about six more hours in my day with which I can catch up on all of the tasks I’ve been putting off during my normally frantic schedule. These include watching reruns of last year’s homerun derby, the first two games of the Major League Baseball season in their entirety despite airing at the unholy hour of 4 am, watching the season premiere of the Hills at least four times, reruns of every episode of Rock of Love II with Brett Micheals, the Gauntlet III (which tragically ended last week, only to gloriously come back into my life this week with a reunion special. This joy was short lived, however, and now I am left only with emptiness, wishing that Evan, Kenny, CT, Jillian, and Frank would so mercifully fill this void that has been created. As of 7 am, March 28, they have yet to respond to my desperate pleas.), America’s Best Dance Crew, and anything that could have possibly happened in the world of sports.
What else have I been able to accomplish? Well, you know how you’ve always wanted to go through the day with a mental fog surrounding your every thought, making rational, well reasoned decisions an impossible task? Definitely checked that one off my list. Did you ever see Half Baked with Dave Chapelle? It’s kind of like that, only without the euphoric side effects.
This has actually been quite the blessing. I wasn’t sure when I was going to find the time to adequately stress about not knowing what I want to do with my life, wonder where I want to live next year, worry about finances and feel lovesick, but miraculously this gives me the necessary time to accomplish these tasks. Thank heavens that I’m able to pack this delightful smorgasbord of thoughts into my otherwise sleep filled mind.
Not that all of this hasn’t been wonderful, but I’ve decided that there is a way I can better use this time. From this point on, I will be selling the time that I would have otherwise been sleeping, from 2 am to 9 am. Seriously. Tell your friends. My services can be used doing homework, cleaning, filming an E true Hollywood story of your life, writing love poetry, taking copious notes on any television programs that you don’t have time to watch, running errands, fixing things, making a mess of your life or the lives of those around you, vicarious exercise, or even sexual favors. All to the highest bidder. So for anyone who feels too busy to accomplish everything they need to get done, I am your man. Just be sure to specify the day and hours you are bidding on and what services you would like performed, and you will be notified via email should you happen to win the bid. I promise this will change your life, so don’t let such a wonderful opportunity pass you by. Only one catch: no checks or credit cards. In the words of the always poignant Randy Moss, it’s gotta be “straight cash homey.”
On second thought, you should probably sleep on it.
2023 :: week 49
4 months ago
13 comments:
It seems i'm the first bid. I bid 50 cents for two hours of your time. Please write my paper for the History final (we both read the book) and start reading pages for me. I have about 1900 to go. Cheers Darren. I bid 25 cents for each hour thereafter to finish my reading. Ta for now. I'll check up on you later.
Haha. Cindy just told me to read your blot and I wouldn't regret it. She was right. No regrets. I'm gonna have to outbid Ben. 50 cents Ben? Is that all Darren's precious time and your paper are worth to you? I bid 75 cents for you to spend the wee small hours of the morning filming your own rendition of the notebook. Also, Michelle wants you to film the hills. she feels like something's missing because she hasn't seen it yet.
I accept both of your offers. Hope tonight works. I'll be there.
so if an activity starts before 9, can i lock you in until it is done even if it extends beyond 9am? for example, i have some finals coming up that start at 8:30. can i lock you in till 11:30?
also, my bid is 25 cents for the first hour, and then since i realize it's not standard to go past 9, i'll bump it up to 45 cents an hour thereafter.
wait...so if I have my days straight i should have the Darren version of the notebook in my hands right now. but i don't. where is it???
I just refilmed the old one. It's too perfect.
1. my paper might actually suck. i apologize ahead of time.
2. i want a striptease. tomorrow night.
bid: as many dollar bills i can shove in your pants during your dance.
What is your very favorite area?
post. post post post post toast toast post post post
darren, your lack of posting as of late is disappointing. i've already checked f-book 57 times today; i need something else to distract me from studying.
word I didn't know you had a blog
no blog, no dice.
don't forget.
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